The Six People You Meet In Freelance Internet Writing Hell
Writing on the internet is a special kind of experience. Unlike print publications, the second your internet article is posted a crowd of eager onlookers is standing by ready to give you instant feedback on your work. Does it connect with people? Did you miss the mark on some seemingly unimportant fact? Do they hate you and your very existence? Do they know a good place to find generic Cialis at bargain basement prices? Unfortunately, the answer to that and many many other questions is a resounding yes. And snarky commenters aren’t the only people you’ll meet on your path to internet semi-famousness. These are the six people you meet in freelance internet writing hell.
The Fact Checker
What you are writing about is of no importance, The Fact Checker knows about the subject inside and out and will leap at the first opportunity to correct your blatant inaccuracy. That blog post about your favorite blue shirt? Well, the shirt is actually turquoise. The Fact Checker learned this while working in a Malaysian sweatshop as part of their research for an article they wrote on unfair labor practices at The Gap. There will inevitably be a link to this article that will redirect you to a 404 error page. Don’t bother mentioning that though, their quest to make you look like a hack is done. They’ve moved on.
Direct Descendants: The Typo Police, The List Corrector
The Pioneer
The internet is a vast wasteland of thoughts and ideas. According to Technorati, someone creates a new blog every 1.4 seconds. If blogging was a crime, and in some cases it very much should be, it would be the number one source of criminal activity in the land.
With this much creativity afoot, it should come as no surprise that, quite often, some ideas may overlap. The Pioneer does not understand this in any way. That “Best Albums of 2008″ article you were commissioned to write? The Pioneer did it first and, clearly, you stole the idea from them. Creative lightning like that just could not possibly strike twice. Granted, their article was three sentences long and nobody has visited the site they wrote it for in eight months, but that doesn’t matter. The Pioneer has been slighted and is not going to stand for it.
Direct Descendants: The “I Liked This Better When I Read It At…” Guy, The “How Many Times Do I Have To Read An Article Like This?” Guy
The Kindly Self-Promoter
This wolf in sheep’s clothing adores everything you do. You could be writing a manifesto on the need to throw this person’s mother from a moving car, it doesn’t matter, they love it. Why?
First of all, they probably didn’t read a word you wrote. But more importantly, telling you how great you are provides them with a priceless opportunity to show the world what they have to offer without looking like the spammer that they are. Granted, most every website comment section provides a handy spot to include a URL to your own site, but that’s not going to be enough. Nobody clicks on those highlighted names. Not that there won’t be a link there also, it’s just that they’ll go the extra mile and leave you a comment that looks something like this:
“Ha ha! Good point! LOL dude!”
http://somebodypleasereadmyblog.seriouslypleasereadit.net
It’s worth noting that this comment format usually holds true even when your article is pointless and unfunny, like most of mine are.
Direct Descendants: The Viagra Spambot, The Dating Site Spambot, The Dating Site For People Who Take Viagra Spambot
The Firestarter
This lovely soul is more commonly known as a troll. They want nothing more in life than to take the thoughtful discussion your work has inspired and turn it into a flame war of apocalyptic proportions. For them, there is no such thing as a minor issue. In fact, there are no issues, only opportunities.
That joke you made about professional jai alai players didn’t really offend them. Nobody plays jai alai except those two people in the opening credits of Miami Vice. But rest assured, they will take that minor joke and furiously present it to the rest of the group as evidence of your bias towards major sports leagues and your wholehearted support for evil corporations, corrupt governments and imaginary secret societies bent on the destruction of life as we know it.
You know better than to respond, but someone out there inevitably will. And just like that, the war begins.
Direct Descendants: The Racist, The Victim of Your Article’s Totally Non-existent Racism, The Political Zealot, The Conspiracy Theorist
The Craigslist Con Man
Occasionally, after I’ve finished checking for responses to that “Missed Connections” posting of mine regarding that cute Latina girl at Starbucks and whether or not she felt the same fleeting sense of chemistry as I did after I inadvertently knocked her latte out of her hand, I’ll head to the Craigslist.com job postings to see if anyone is in the market for a little internet comedy magic.
Generally, they are not, but there are plenty of postings from people that, after you reply, will ask for an unpublished article that you think would work on their site. You know, so they can get an idea of how you’ll fit in. Oh, and also so they can post it without giving you any credit or compensation.
Because of a mysterious childhood accident involving a radioactive Commodore Vic 20, I’m impervious to internet shenanigans and have luckily never fallen for this scam. But I know fellow writers who have. There are even Craigslist postings warning people not to fall for this type of chicanery. Words to live by.
Direct Descendants: The Hotjobs.com Con Man, Bernie Madoff
The Pirate
When it comes to getting your article noticed, links from other sites are essential. After your article is posted, it’s almost second nature to head to Google and see who appreciated your work enough to post a link to it on their own site for their readers to enjoy. Do this enough, and eventually you’ll encounter the dreaded Pirate.
This shady bastard has no desire to play the middleman. Instead of a short summary and well intentioned link to your article, they’ll just copy the entire thing, remove any evidence that would suggest someone else wrote it, and post it word for word on their site.
Whether you noticed it or not, if you’ve ever written anything of note on the internet, it’s probably happened to you. After the crime goes down, you can go the (in this case fully warranted) Pioneer route and post nasty comments claiming ownership, you can email the snake responsible for the theft, or even try a one two punch of both techniques. It won’t matter, the article is there to stay.
Even more upsetting is the fact that there are news feed services that patrol the internet for content like yours and send it out to morning radio shows who then proceed to read your hard work over the air as if they wrote it. It happened to me at least once that I know of. I was pleased with how my internet objection turned out and I’m glad to report that the radio show in question no longer exists, but personally, I much prefer Cracked.com editor Dan O’Brien’s method for dealing with internet article piracy (Full disclosure alert! I write for Cracked also). I would mention that last link is NOT SAFE FOR WORK, but who am I kidding? You probably work from home anyway.
Direct Descendants: None, these people have no friends.
Original post by FreelanceSwitch.com